King Felix and the Knights in Green

Sonny Gray and his army took down King Felix and his merry Mariners in the most important battle of all time. Ever.Mandatory Credit: Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports

After the worldwide popularity of my haiku collection yesterday, I promised my loyal reader that an A’s win against King Felix Hernandez would result in a fairy tale recap. The A’s took down King Felix and the Seattle Mariners in an extra inning game so, being a man of my word, I present to you the story of King Felix and the Knights in Green. This is a fairy tale, not a bedtime story. This is the wrong time to fall asleep on the A’s. Without further ado, we do that voodoo that we do so well.

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Once upon a time, there lived a king named Felix. King Felix ruled his kingdom of the Emerald City from the highest hill and struck fear into any army that dared approach. His court of admirers would travel from near and far to watch King Felix battle angels and giants and tigers and he had gained a reputation for winning these battles without ever being hit. His strength and power were feared across the land and no group of men, whether numbered 25 or 40, ever wished to cross his path.

One day an army of men cloaked in green and gold marched into King Felix’s kingdom, beaten, war torn and defeated. These men had battled hard but had lost the faith of their countrymen as they struggled in every battle they fought. These knights in green knew that if they could defeat King Felix, in his kingdom, that their countrymen would once again chant their names by the thousands and cheer when they returned home.

Sir Sonny and his merry men approached King Felix and demanded a battle.

“What are the stakes?” King Felix asked.

“If we win,” said Sir Sonny, “you will simply allow us to leave here and battle well into the future, becoming the heroes of our countrymen.”

“And if I win?” replied the King.

“If you win, good King Felix, we will leave here, return to our kingdom and never battle again.”

The prospect of ending a war that had seen these two kingdoms fight 19 times intrigued King Felix. “Surely,” he thought, “as strong and as powerful as I am, I will defeat this weak army who haven’t won a battle in ages.” King Felix accepted the battle and prepared his troops.

The battle was hard fought. The army of King Felix struck first but the Knights in Green were resilient and answered his blows with two of their own. This angered King Felix and he quickly rebounded with a mighty blow that evened out the two armies. Tired and worried that he may actually lose this battle, King Felix turned to some of his trusty generals to finish the war for him. The generals were able to hold off Sir Sonny and his merry men until the very end. That’s when they used their secret weapon.

The Knights in Green had fought harder than they had in a long while. Their offense looked capable and their defense was strong. They had fought hard enough to remove the strongest king in all of the land from the fight and were making fools of the king’s generals.

“I must end this nonsense, right here, right now!” exclaimed King Felix. “Fetch me Rodney the Archer!”

Rodney the Archer was a fearsome opponent. He singlehandedly destroyed 45 armies and after each victory would shoot a powerful, invisible arrow into the sky. Rodney the Archer was cold, calculating, cocky and arrogant. He taunted armies and made a mockery of his uniform but his power was unmatched and he was sure to bring this battle to a victorious close. Everyone hated Rodney.

Rodney stood on top of the hill and shot an arrow at one of the knights. Miss. He tried again. Miss. He tried a third time. Miss. What had happened to Rodney the Archer? He was unable to strike the Knights in Green and had allowed them to surround his hill. Before him stood one solitary knight, poised and ready to strike. Rodney the archer knew that if he missed striking this knight that one of the others who surrounded him were sure to pounce. He stood tall, took aim and missed four straight times and, as he predicted, the knight they called Coco had taken Rodney’s home.

The battle was not over, though. To win the bet, the Knights in Green had to send in their secret weapon, the Bearded One. As cocky and arrogant as Rodney the Archer was, The Bearded One was equally humble. He approached King Felix’s army and took out the final three men with ease and won the biggest battle of his armies war.

The Knights in Green were victorious and King Felix held up his end of the bargain by granting the Knights in Green one more chance to battle and become heroes among their countrymen. Bells were tolled and rain fell upon the Emerald City. Skies once sonny, gray with the fog of war but emerging were the Knights in Green, fighting and winning as they had in the past and reviving faith that the war would have been worth it all along.

The End