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Oakland A’s: Jose Canseco fails in bid to become US President

By David Hill

OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 3: Jose Canseco throws out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game between the Oakland Athletics and the Boston Red Sox at the Oakland Coliseum on September 3, 2016 in Oakland, California. The Red Sox defeated the Athletics 11-2. (Photo by Michael Zagaris/Oakland Athletics/Getty Images)
OAKLAND, CA - SEPTEMBER 3: Jose Canseco throws out the ceremonial first pitch prior to the game between the Oakland Athletics and the Boston Red Sox at the Oakland Coliseum on September 3, 2016 in Oakland, California. The Red Sox defeated the Athletics 11-2. (Photo by Michael Zagaris/Oakland Athletics/Getty Images) /
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The votes are still being counted, but one thing is for certain – former Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco will not be the next President of the United States.

At this point, no one knows for certain who will be the President of the United States. There are still multiple states counting absentee votes, and the results are likely to be contested beyond that point. But one thing is certain – former Oakland A’s slugger Jose Canseco will not be in the White House come January.

Canseco had first announced his plans to run for President back in June. He had promised to create an army of robots to root out corruption throughout the world, eliminate systemic racism, downsize politics by approximately 70%, and bring real change to the country. It was certainly a noble platform.

He also brought up some good points in his favor. Canseco readily admitted that he could not make things much worse, so why not give him a chance. He would have used any sources open to him, including extraterrestrial help, to make the country, and the world, a better place.

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But alas, some dreams just were not meant to be. Canseco was not even an afterthought in the election results, his longest of longshots failing to come through. Frankly, we just are not ready as a country for a platform as rigorous as what he had suggested.

Of course, there were a few issues that Canseco would have had to overcome even if he won the election. Having been born in Cuba, he would not legally have been able to take the highest office in the country. Presumably, he would have had some sort of plan to get around that stipulation had he earned enough electoral votes.

Sadly, we will never know what that plan was. It likely would have involved extraterrestrial assistance, or calling in a favor to Bigfoot. Or, possibly, both. Unfortunately, we will not be able to live in a world where Jose Canseco is the US President.

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Oh well. There’s always 2024.